new hobbies

so apparently I am changing. taking on new hobbies. baking muffins. eating rice pudding. eating dinner standing up. getting rid of dinner soon after while kneeling. ugh.

I really wish I was ready to tell everyone what's going on because I feel like complete crap right now, but no one knows why, and I'm afraid to complain or people will be suspicious. I feel like I secretly have the flu but can't tell anyone, which is really silly, if you think about it.

So I'm 8 weeks along today and hurling like a canadian. But I'm trying to wait until week 13 to tell work people. Thats FIVE more weeks of secret hurling. ugh.

saturday

I think the time for feeling like crap has arrived. I'm just exhausted, I don't know how people do this more than once. Or really...how do they do this for 40 whole weeks? Ah well, I'm excited too.

Still feeling apprehensive about massive weight gain. I know I shouldn't be so self centered about it, but I'm really nervous about it. Oh well. I've been walking, sometimes jogging, most days. On the other hand, ate a HUGE hamburger and fries tonight. I guess I can still tell myself I'm saving 300 calories a day on my 2 glasses of wine. At this point, I can't actually imagine ever drinking again. Or eating french fries. ooof. Those aren't going down so well.

At least SNL is on.

well well well

looks like the bean(er) has a heartbeat! doc says all is well, and the little bugger is beating away. we did the first appointment yesterday and the doctor stuck a camera up my stuff and then we saw the little bean on the TV!

looks like happy 7 month anniversary to us and we are officially 7 weeks along! hooray!

beans

i walked to work in california yesterday. it was very chilly. i called the farmer on my way to work and told him i was very very exhausted. his response was:

"making a beaner is very hard work. this is why beans not come in cans."

then I hung up the phone and looked down and found a photo of a little boy dressed like a cowboy. The photo was all crumpled up, and wet, so I picked it up and put it in my purse.

That's the first gender sign we've seen. It might be a boy. thank goodness the picture only had 1 cowboy in it.

I'm now certain I am very pregnant. I am sick, exhausted and feel like my boobs weigh 80 pounds. I've been on a business trip all week and have been in bed by 8:30 each night. simply exhausted.

I go to the doctor next wednesday. I'm very anxious to find out that it's not twins and to find out that everything seems ok so far. I'm nervous. I am also getting fat already. well, maybe just eating too much because I feel like my stomach is on fire. I keep eating carbs like they're going out of style.

sigh. early flight. thank god its friday.

weird

all day meeting. felt like a high school reunion. one person point blank asked me if i'm pregnant yet. i said nope. then she said, "you're just kind of glowing". I said..."all the trying makes me happy!"

and then one of my employees totally busted me I think. She was just staring at me, asking me why I looked so wonderful. Oh, what the fucking hell people. I'm like 7 weeks along, how can you tell? jerks.

So i drank a non alcoholic beer and ate a steak. Those people can all go back to wondering. Jerks. I'm trying to keep a secret at work for at least one more month. How exhausting this will be.

Shawarma and Little Waylon Blue

Ugh. More flying. More california. and shawarma is not such a hot idea. Someone asked how I was doing today, and I said "icky with huge tits. Kind of like me. only hungover. with huge tits. well, actually, just exactly like me. except hungover without trying so hard."

I got upgraded to first class and didn't think twice about missing out on free wine. Nope. I just drank that free OJ because I knew it would put me right to sleep for an hour. and so it did.

And then...shawarma on Murphy Avenue. Not so hot. Maybe it was the grape leaves, but it's not sitting right.

I drank a gallon of water today. And have eaten more beef in the last week than the whole past year. I might birth a cow.

Am still facing denial. I go to the doctor in one whole week away. I don't want to wait a whole week. Am also having panic attacks related to visions of twins. Oh my. twins. I'll cross the bridges when I get there. Or whatever.

No more shawarma.

Traveling with the embryo

I went to California on Thursday for work. Left my house at 5 am, got to office at 10 am PST, worked until 7 pm, then checked in, and ordered a huge steak from room service. Got "The Devil wears Prada " on pay per view and was asleep by 930. The traveling part was "ok", but I was absolutely exhausted.

I'm in a strange denial phase this week. I don't "feel" pregnant. I feel tired and vaguely anxious, like I'll suddenly be struck with the stomach flu. It's like knowing you're about to come down with something really potent. Which, I suppose, I am.

I sort of think I'm imagining the whole thing, so the farmer has taken to reminding me that my period is over 2 weeks late and I failed 4 pregnancy tests. Oh. Yeah. good point.

Off to California again tomorrow. This time it will be hard. It will be highly conspicuous when I don't partake in free fancy wine. I'm usually the life of the party. I'm trying to keep this a secret at work until at least Thanksgiving, because I want to get past raise and promotion time without someone subconsciously thinking "oh she's pregnant and will be out part of this year...."

My story is that I'm training for a marathon, and can't drink due to a long treadmill run in the morning. I suppose it is a marathon of sorts.

wednesday

I am exhausted. simply exhausted. exhausted. I don't even know if it's pregnancy related, I might just be complaining. I have to fly to california in the morning and the thought is just making me tired.

pizza helps.

tuesday

worked from home today. discovered sound of sudden urgent puking. had strange vision of having twins. got freaked out. made homemade brown rice pudding while on a conference call. wanted to nap. did not nap. ran errands. took more conference calls. wished i could stop puking brown rice pudding.

hello, week 5.

monday monday

hello morning sickness at night time, and hello house full of weird smells. ugh. I keep thinking my house smells like fire. and bacon. and rotten wood. ugh. I don't feel so hot.

we told my parents last night about the bambino. and then i made my doctors appointment today. so it's feeling more official.

weird. everything smells and I think I'm going to cry at this TV show.

ok

different brand, different test, and a bright blue PLUS sign. I guess I'm pregnant. I'm paranoid because of the miscarriage in July. I almost don't want to tell people not because I think something will go wrong, but because I think I'm imagining the whole thing and simply can't read pregnancy tests. I guess it's too good to be true. I've been avoiding pregnancy for around half my life, so this is very confusing to my brain.

I'm VERY excited!

I took Tex for a run on the trail near our house. we did a very very slow 3 miles, then came home. Now I am watching the UT football game and thinking about puking up my spinach omelet. Every dish in my house is dirty. I really need to clean my kitchen. sigh. here I go.

!!!

saturday

we've taken to calling the little embryonic lovesac..."Waylon".

The Farmer left a scone and some half-caf starbucks coffee on the counter this morning before he left and called and said "you and little waylon take it easy today, I'll call you later"

awwww...Waylon.

I had a dream my period arrived late and I was really disappointed. I think I'll go buy another test. I have been saving all that wine money, might as well splurge on a new hobby.

whew

I am sleepy. Like really sleepy. I didn't believe that first test, so i took another one yesterday afternoon. I broke all the rules: I didn't wait 4 hours since last time I peed, I didn't pee on the stick in the morning, and still it said " PREGNANT". So I placed it next to the other one on the counter in my bathroom, ran out the door to pick up the Farmer and I drank water at my friend's birthday dinner.

Then we got home at 930, and I fell right asleep. Woke up at 730, exhausted.

When I had the miscarriage in July, everything was backwards. Seemed like we conceived at the wrong time of month, spotting all the time, and just felt weird. This time, I knew when we conceived, and just kind of had a feeling the whole time. I had a good feeling. except for all those weird feelings. and the exhaustion.

I guess I'll be getting a lot less done in the next 2 or 3 months.

PS. I passed

since I was trying...I consider it "passing" ;)

Did I fail....or pass?

Somewhere between my weight workout this morning and my late lunch, I decided I was pregnant. My period is not due for 2 more days (according to my custom excel spreadsheet where I track these things, thank you very much), but I just decided that something was up down there.

So The Farmer picked me up to run some errands and grab a salad for lunch, and then dropped me off at my office to eat my salad. The normal Tino's Greek Chicken that I adore did not go down so well. So I packed it up, and headed to HEB. I got one of those Clearblue early test things, the one that spells out the words for you, because I am way past the game of trying to interpret those crazy ass pink and blue lines. Those lines piss me off. I'm line blind or something

I get home, make a pizza, pee on the stick, and greet the Farmer in the driveway with a bourbon in one hand and a test in the other. I gave him the bourbon first...then asked him to read the test.

"But I'm still liking the trying part!"....and many kisses.

And now, I eat my pizza and go to sleep.